FOR THE LOVE OF GOD

could I please stop overanalyzing my LIFE right now?!

when words are all that count

There’s a reason I’m applying to a job in Colorado.

It might be because I feel like running from my problems, like the feelings I battle some days won’t just up and follow me right there. It’s not a person, or a group of people, or something or anything making me run. It would be hard and undoubtedly lonely, but I’m not sure that moving home would be any different.

I’ll miss my friends and family, but there are days like today, that start off wrong and end funny, and get shaken up until all I can remember is a blur of words spoken, numbers spat out, and the sick realization that I have no control over myself anymore. Until I don’t know what’s upsetting me or why I can’t choose right from right.

It’s silly to believe I won’t have days like this in another city, in another state.

Some days, though, it’s the only thing that gets me through.

F*CK

HOLY SHIZ.

One more semester.

One more football season.

Five months.

From Tuesday.

Until

I

Graduate.

fuck.

Tomorrow is my last first day of school ever.

I don’t really know anything other THAN school.

Everything past Dec. 18 is completely up in the air.

I’d be lying if I told you I was anything other than TERRIFIED.

FUCK.

you

are driving me fucking insane.

and I’m not really sure why I care.

old habits die hard.

on the Professional front

OMG it feels good to finally have an outlet again! My computer crashed at the intersection of “moving to the city for a summer internship” and “what the hell am I doing in this huge place with few friends and nothing to do?!”  In a round-about way, its been fixed, I’ve got my life (semi-) back in order, and here we are! Not a whole lot different that I was on May 6 when I cut up my credit card (still broke, by the way, just working my way out of the teeny debt I managed to rack up), or on May 2 when I decided (what’s new) that it all boils down to nothing in the end.  And I’m almost (but not quite) past all those (drunk) rants, but I’m going to save that for another post.

Lots going on in my busy head these days, so here goes the fairly abbreviated version:

I’m in a new city for the summer, living in a new house with new roommates, working hard at an unpaid internship and depending on my parents for an income (not so fond of that part– in fact, it BLOWS).  But I’m right where I want to be at advertising agency with lots of fun perks and a big-girl cube with a view (uh, when I turn around and look over another cube) so I’m going to say that its Totally Worth It.

+

Said internship, however, brings me to my next point. Internet, I have one semester of school left. This coming from a girl who was, a few months ago, certain she was ready for the real world, but Holy Shit, can we hold on just a minute, please…. You mean I’m supposed to graduate at 22 and I’m expected to just get a job and sit behind a desk for the better part of the next 35 years? Isn’t 22 a little YOUNG for that?

So at this point (and I finally broke the news, if you will, to my parents), I’m weighing my options, seeking out other self-supporting means of making money, and I’ll be damned if I don’t just up and head to NYC and park it on a street corner (only kidding). Either that or something abroad of the nannying, bare minimum $ nature, just so I can get out for a while and explore. Or at least put off a job and have a little fun before I start my working girl life.

+

And you aren’t allowed to roll your eyes and say I told you so if I take a job offer in the same town at the end of this year. I won’t find it amusing.

Can I just say….

AAHHHHH;lkjasdflkjasdf

asdfl;kjasdf;lkjadsf;lkjaf;lkjasdflj

lkajdsf;ljadsfwoiujsa;lckfjafv

aweoriujafsd;lgnas;giuawerr

adokjasdlkjfa;lkjfasdf’pasd;lkfjaflkjaf

F MY LIFE.

I feel a little better now. Things with The Boy are not working out as I had planned… while at the same time our friendship is fine-and-freaking-dandy.

I’m not making any assumptions, I just want to rant about it. I want to yell and scream and get some mother-effing answers to questions that everyone’s asking. And most importantly, I want it to turn out in my favor. There has been so much swimming around my head for the past 48 hours that it’s almost unreal, and we all know that I don’t do well when left alone with my thoughts for too long.

And I don’t feel like going further into it than that.

About that.

I’d love to say please disregard my previous post from last night where I, um, had a little much to drink. But for once I summed it up perfectly, putting exactly into words some of the thoughts swimming around in my head.

And it felt good.

Happy Sunday!

Y’all. Drunk post of the century right here. I’ve already made three corrections in the first sentance, but damn it to hell if this post isn’t the most gramatically correct one I’ve completed in a while.

Anyways.

Tonight I went out with a few neighbors, friends, and The Boy. And Internet, The Boy is just NOT turning out how I want him too.

For starters, my sweet little SBR and my closest neighbor A both think The Boy is Gay. Not such an easy one to swallow. But tonight, when he started “flirting” with someone else (a girl who is in love with another neighbor, so it doesn’t really matter but it kind of does and it still makes me jealous/sad/mad/WHATEVER), I just lost it. As in, quit talking to him, quit looking at him, whatevs. So when The Boy’s new girl starts flirting back with her neighbor boy (can you even follow me here?), and The Boy starts chatting with me, and I’m all “oh E, let’s CHAT, you are so COOL, FML I HATE THE BOY ACROSS FROM ME,” well y’all. That’s all I got. E went to his house, The Boy went off with my boy neighbor, SBR never came out, A (who thinks The Boy is gay to begin with) came home sad that HIS boy didn’t come home with him, and here the fuck am I, trying, hoping, praying, wishing, and so-help-me-Lord-typing-gramatically-correct-in-my-drunken-stupor ALONE.

FUCK. MY. LIFE.

Honestly.

I’m trying to keep the faith. I’m trying so hard. And I won’t give up, not now, not ever, and not because I know I shouldn’ t.

But sometimes life, LOVE, is hard.

OH and FML x2 when my phone vibrates at 2:32 in the morning, and my stupid self, eager to see who it might be, finds a txt from BANK of AMERICA, telling me my daily balance.

REALLY?!

just, you know, throwing it out there.

I tried to reckon with God the other day on my singularity. I’m 22. I’ve been patient, don’t I deserve a significant other? And I could seek it out– I could be aggressive and I could probably be a whore right now– and I’m not. Doesn’t that count for something, that I won’t just make out with, fool around with, SLEEP with, just anyone?

And as soon as the thoughts crossed my brain, a second set of thoughts took over.

No, I haven’t been truly patient. I’ve been selfishly hopeful, making deals and finding silly crushes, wishing on wishes that tomorrow, next week, this month, SOON someone would come along. I’ve been striking deals with myself, begging and pleading, and then just downright angry and not content with the fact that I’m still single.

I’m hopeful one day and all is lost the next.

blowing up the blog.

Other than being picky-and-choosy about who I can and can’t be friends with (and I mean that in the least bitchy way possible), my life is getting pretty mundane.

Work, school, eat, work-out, relax, wash, rinse, and repeat. Throw in one of those club meetings that I can no longer stand, as well as a few social nights here and there that always end with me going to bed early and alone, and well? My life is just boring me.

My birthday is a week from Friday. If that doesn’t bring some excitement my way soon, then I’m going to off myself.

Just kidding.